Wednesday, August 24, 2011


If I Should Lose You, Music by Ralph Rainger, Lyrics by Leo Robin

Because I can never find a card which sums up my sentiments- I feel compelled to create my own. This isn't much of a card for a 15th anniversary with it's confusing girl & dog expression of love. I'm finding myself at a loss for words. When I am in that place where my words seem so trite, music speaks more clearly. On the night that I unofficially met The Mr. among a group of my friends who were meeting to go out to eat, I had been listening to Nina Simone (a Compact Jazz compilation). Her rendition of If I Should Lose You slays me every time. The tone of desperation ' If I should lose you, the stars would fall from the sky,' the rawness of the vulnerability of love and loving and investing your life into another's- it's all so dramatic. I will always associate her music with him- even though we really did not say more than two words to each other or pay each other any mind that evening.

 I don't think about it enough- what would happen if 'I should lose him?' It stops my heart to think about that possibility. It is maudlin and morbid to let the scenario run through your imagination. But, sometimes, for me, it is important. It is a wake up call. It makes me realize how much he means to me and makes me assess my performance and actions as his partner. I am guilty of taking our time together for granted. I am guilty of complaining, snapping, being impatient and anxious. But, my patient husband with his still waters running so deep, deserving of much better, has not been scared off- has not given up, has never lost the strength to be supportive even when he finds weakness or discontentment in himself.  15 years is a great accomplishment. We arrived at this place through mutual hard work and willingness to learn from each other. We are a work in progress. I know there will not rest until we reach my grandfather's age and fall into that place where our short term memories are fuzzy but we can recall with clarity that which in our younger days we had let get swallowed by clouds of responsibility- our love for each other.

*Songs, Lyrics from the Birds illustration: So Lonesome I Could Cry, Hank Williams; Nobody Knows the Troubles I've Seen; How Soon Is Now?,Steven Morrissey, Johnny Marr


  1. Congratulations! That is indeed a remarkable accomplishment in this age of divorce. I sometimes wonder if people just give up too easily? I also love Nina Simone and Billie Holiday for love songs. Those ladies give me the chills.
    We are lucky indeed to have love in our lives and men who are steadfast. This week I had a patient, a 25 year old guy who has stage 3 cancer. He is also a newlywed. I've been thinking a lot about how every day with the one you love is a gift. Some couples have their time cut cruelly short!
    Hope you have a great anniversary . xo

  2. *sigh* I hate to be a sap, but you're killing me here. I'm (as always) missing my other half right now, and even more by reading this. Haha not to mention I youtubed the song.. and now I'm all emotional. (I've actually been this way all day.)

    Congrats on a milestone! I often think of what I would do without my man too, and the thoughts usually lead to fighting back tears.

    P.S. I loved that little piece of writing between the baby and dog. So poetic/cute/touching, simply creative! You are so talented my friend!

  3. Congratulations, lady! That's quite an accomplishment, and a beautiful blog post to boot:)

  4. beautiful post. and i completely agree. sometimes the thought of loosing ken stops me dead in my tracks! the other night i had a nightmare we didnt get married and was mopey all day long. :) congratulations on 15 years--what an amazing thing to love someone for so long and still treasure them.

  5. I wanted to thank you for commenting on my blog a while ago and now I am trying to pick up my life again..!

    And I would like to congratulate you with your 15th anniversary!! So wonderful!

    I've written about Nina Simone a while ago, funny to see now that a lot of people love her songs. I know the song you are talking about and you're right, it really is beautiful.


  6. Thank you, thank you, thank you all so much for sharing your support, your thoughts and sentiments with me. We were young when we married. Looking back on it- we barely knew each other. And, I was 6 months pregnant to boot. While of course I loved him then, it still felt like more of a pragmatic move- rather than one that was led with the heart. As I imagine it might be in some arranged marriages- we grew to know each other, to learn, to eventually fall in love with each other. We had many lean times- financially, emotionally and I wondered if having done things so backwards if we had a strong enough foundation to keep us standing. It was like being thrust into the wilderness- we had to lean on each other and trust each other in order to survive. Outside factors had pressed the worst of times upon us- and it seemed like it might be easy to give up. But, we knew in our hearts neither one of us would find relief or contentment to walk away. We both knew that we wanted to give ourselves that which we didn't have in our own families growing up- a marriage that would last through old age. A marriage that was based on the willingness to be open minded, to be open hearted; based on mutual respect, admiration, encouragement. We're still figuring it all out and hopefully the universe will be so kind as to give us decades upon decades more to do so.

  7. I think your love story is inspiring. I can relate somewhat, starting off young.. and having to learn what kind of person I was let alone what kind of relationship we had. It was challenging.

    I love your wisdom and outlook on life.

    Thanks so much for your kind words, Amy! You're always so genuine and reassuring. :) I wish we lived closer too, something tells me we would get along perfectly! :D

    P.S. I really need to find a pair of real hiking shoes. LOL