I don't mind if he's here

Tank tops and old man socks

Unwashed summer copper hair

His stinky lair

I don’t mind if he’s here

I don’t mind if he is only starting to look for work

Instead of working

He works for me

Always wrangling the little one (a full time job anyway)

Anticipating when to get her out of my hair

I don’t mind that he doesn’t have a huge desire to get his  driver’s license

That he’s only just learning

I’m relieved that he’s not manning a vehicle by himself

Out of sight, on the road with lunatics

Away from me

I actually don’t even mind if his room is the black sheep of bedrooms

If he reeks

If he eats all of my gluten free cookies

and he’s not even on a gluten free diet

That he stays up late

Wakes up late

Grumbles in response to my suggestions about his life

That he doesn’t really know what he wants to do with his life

He’s only sixteen.

In a few months we’ll be filling out college applications

It’s a good thing our funds are all spoken for by our bi-weekly household needs

He can’t get too far away yet

He doesn’t want to

There’s time for working and driving and leaving

And showering so that you’re clean enough to attract a potential mate

I still have so much teaching to do-

How to wash laundry, make doctor’s appointments, order food at a restaurant ( that doesn’t serve chicken fingers); really scrub and disinfect a room; really take care of a dog (scratching behind the ears is only scratching the surface); balance a checking account and a meal; budget time; make difficult choices about relationships, finances, health; know when to call the plumber; shop for Christmas and birthday presents; listen to the women in his life and not try to fix them; live an authentic life- live and work and breathe with integrity…

The list goes on and on

I just need him to be solid and steady when he goes out on his own

To come home willingly when the call comes

And take care of me

one day

but for now, I don’t mind at all if he’s here

16

There is warm infusion of euphoria
which softens the sensibilities of a new parent
You marvel at the little baked potato bound tightly in your arms
no limbs flailing
no legs running
no mouth spouting off words to counter back on your requests
Only a perfect full face
as close and  familiar as the back of your hand
as distant as the face of the man in the moon
Time
Numbers
Do not matter
The grandparents, aunties and uncles descend upon the baby
and exhale sentiments which drift carelessly around your head
'Just you wait until he's a teenager'
'Enjoy this time. It goes by so fast'
You caress the words off of his forehead
There is so much space between this moment
and
the next milestone
So
Much
Time
You carry with you an idea of what certain numbers will mean
within the context of this new life
At one there will be walking and words
At two there will be tremendous growth, potty training and tantrums
At five there will be kindergarten and the first of many moments of letting go
At ten there will be middle school and a muddle of hormones and new independence
At 16 there will be wheels
But 16 is     so                    far                   away
In those first wee moments
time has stopped
You have a handle on it all
You will never blink
and open your eyes to find
a man standing before you
as close and familiar as the back of your hand
as distant as the face of the man in the moon
Yet there he is
and he's saying something about the car keys

mamalode lovin

Photo by Chris Chapman for Mamalode Fall 2011

The Fall 2011 issue of Mamalode magazine (Letting Go) has been distributed and is available for purchase here.  I am so honored to have been included in the issue. I am completely blown away by the caliber of writing that my little piece (which the editors re-titled, Princess Commando) is nestled between. Growing up, the women's magazines that my mother subscribed to made me feel alienated. When reading them, I felt as if there were only certain molds that a woman should fit into. And I didn't feel that I was pliable enough to make myself fit into the molds. As an adult, I made the choice not to subscribe to the popular parenting and women's magazines that had been strewn about my childhood home. But, it left me longing for fresh reading material that helped me broaden my understanding of the human experience while at the same time helped me to better understand myself. Mamalode fills that void. While their tagline reads "For the Whole Mother,"  it could read "For the Whole Woman," as not every story or essay is about being a parent. The layout and design work is gorgeous, as well. Obviously, I'm smitten :-) I hope that you will all take the opportunity to, at least, visit the website (the regular contributing bloggers are quite talented).

Have a lovely weekend!