15

If I Should Lose You, Music by Ralph Rainger, Lyrics by Leo Robin

Because I can never find a card which sums up my sentiments- I feel compelled to create my own. This isn't much of a card for a 15th anniversary with it's confusing girl & dog expression of love. I'm finding myself at a loss for words. When I am in that place where my words seem so trite, music speaks more clearly. On the night that I unofficially met The Mr. among a group of my friends who were meeting to go out to eat, I had been listening to Nina Simone (a Compact Jazz compilation). Her rendition of If I Should Lose You slays me every time. The tone of desperation ' If I should lose you, the stars would fall from the sky,' the rawness of the vulnerability of love and loving and investing your life into another's- it's all so dramatic. I will always associate her music with him- even though we really did not say more than two words to each other or pay each other any mind that evening.

 I don't think about it enough- what would happen if 'I should lose him?' It stops my heart to think about that possibility. It is maudlin and morbid to let the scenario run through your imagination. But, sometimes, for me, it is important. It is a wake up call. It makes me realize how much he means to me and makes me assess my performance and actions as his partner. I am guilty of taking our time together for granted. I am guilty of complaining, snapping, being impatient and anxious. But, my patient husband with his still waters running so deep, deserving of much better, has not been scared off- has not given up, has never lost the strength to be supportive even when he finds weakness or discontentment in himself.  15 years is a great accomplishment. We arrived at this place through mutual hard work and willingness to learn from each other. We are a work in progress. I know there will not rest until we reach my grandfather's age and fall into that place where our short term memories are fuzzy but we can recall with clarity that which in our younger days we had let get swallowed by clouds of responsibility- our love for each other.

*Songs, Lyrics from the Birds illustration: So Lonesome I Could Cry, Hank Williams; Nobody Knows the Troubles I've Seen; How Soon Is Now?,Steven Morrissey, Johnny Marr