Thursday, September 30, 2010
Yep, You Look Normal to Me
H has always maintained that he is not normal. It has become a full time job trying to understand what normal means to him and also reassuring him that his concerns, his feelings (physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually) are all normal in relation to the rest of human kind. September always drums up the insecurities of his soul. At the commencement of each new school year, we navigate through a phase of questioning his purpose on the planet, of self loathing, of loathing his family for being honest with him, and a swinging pendulum of moods. I offer my own experiences with my struggles with school related anxiety- a battle so paralyzing that I missed a year of school in a normal classroom setting. But, my experience, my story of success in overcoming the suffocating strong hold which is anxiety, does little to quell his self-doubt. And, he turns toward every ache, pain and twinge in his body- seeking a tangible reason for why he feels bad.
H is a bright child- attending an elite public school where he takes advanced classes. He is stubborn with enough obstinance to occupy a small city. He is a clam- hard shell and squishy insides. In the presence of company he is often quiet, maybe even aloof (unless, of course, he is playing with his sister, Princess Commando, and then the din in the atmosphere is deafening). He can do without offering my family- the only extended family he knows- so much as a casual conversation that allows them to know that there is something going on upstairs. But then, unexpectedly, unsolicited, empathetically, articulately and oh so privately- he will connect with someone who needs it most at that moment. He has been this way since he was a baby. He was very connected to me, but he was difficult for others to connect with. But in times of darkness, he could be light. We first noted it when he was about 8 months old. My mother and step-father had taken him to my Aunt L's home where her husband, M, dying from lung cancer, was placed in a medically induced sleep on a convalescent bed in the dining room. I am told that H was placed upon the sick bed and he made his way up to M's feverish face placing his chubby hands on him- gently, lovingly settling down beside him. He knows how to reassure as much as he as adept-during times of his personal duress- in knowing how to cut your heart with a vicious tongue. In short, he is exquisitely sensitive and keenly observant.
For the past three years, I have taken him to our homeopath for help in balancing out his issues. Just talking to her and having her listen validates his feelings and helps him to get over the hump which is September. But as sure as these manifestations of anxiety are likely to bloom at the start of the school year, I will surely (not deliberately, mind you) be slow to catch on to the fact that H is suffering from apprehension again.This is why I proceeded in taking him to the pediatrician's and did not think much of offering his school fretfulness as an explanation for his chest pains. At the pediatrician's office we were seen by the nurse practitioner. She was thorough in her questioning. She confirmed the abnormal heart beat- a sinus arrhythmia which is considered a normal abnormal. And because she could not detect any defect in his lungs or sinuses, decided that it was best to run some tests which might give us an explanation to the chest pain: an x-ray, an EKG/ Echocardiogram and some blood work. She was fixated on his skin color. "Is he normally this color?" He had been looking a little pale the past few weeks, but he always did when he was tired or his allergies were acting up. "He looks a little pale," I offered. "No, its something else. Maybe just the lights," she said thoughtfully examining his tone and the whites of his eyes. She asked which doctor we normally see- so she could bring that person in to compare his tone to what he normally exhibits. She left the room and brought Dr. S back with her. He didn't seem overly concerned but agreed that H looked a bit sallow. So, they would check his liver function, too. Great, now there is something to worry about- something to send my head into Google induced panic-something to prove that some small piece of H is truly not normal.
Fast forward to this week. After the x-ray came back with nary a speck to suggest an anomaly; and, he survived the bloodwork (which, I am assuming is fine as the doctor has a 'no news is good news' policy and we haven't been called to confirm otherwise), he has the slightest hint of a spring in his step. We still have the EKG/ ECHO today which may pull the rug out from underneath us. But, my gut is telling me that we will discover what we already know- he has a benign arrhythmia and he has a human heart. When I asked to take his picture to compare his current skin tone to earlier images, I was met with that playful, scrunchy, tongue out of the mouth, oh so special expression above. All I could say was, "Yep. You look normal to me." And, by the date on the calendar, it appears that we've, once again, gotten over the hump that is September.